Relationships need more than chocolate and roses
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, the pressure is on to whip up something special for your significant other. While a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses may score you some points, let’s be real — it is the little things throughout the year that make a relationship truly healthy.
So, what is the secret for keeping romance alive and a healthy relationship? According to the words of psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman, it is all in how you handle conflict. It is not necessarily the disagreements that harm a relationship; it is how you handle them. Gottman has some solid advice on what to avoid during conflicts, which he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
Next, keep the insults and eye rolls to a minimum. Tearing each other down is a fast track to relationship doom. Respect is key, even when you are feeling frustrated.
3. Defensiveness
When things heat up, it is natural to get defensive. Instead of becoming reactive, try listening without judgment. It is all about being open and respectful, even when you are feeling hurt.
4. Stonewalling
Taking a breather when emotions run high is fine. However, shutting down completely? Not so much. Engage in problem-solving instead of going silent.
We all make mistakes sometimes. It is part of that human thing. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward making things better. Research shows that if these behaviors become a habit, they can seriously harm your relationship over time.
If you slip up and fall into these traps every now and then, recognizing and changing those behaviors is key to keeping your relationship healthy. Here are some tips from therapists that can help you and your partner keep on the right track.
Communicate: Do not assume your partner knows what is on your mind. Talk about your feelings instead of assuming your partner knows what is going on in your head.
Support each other’s interests: Show interest in what your partner loves. It can bring you closer together.
Think long-term: Consider how you want your relationship to look years down the road.
Nurture the relationship: Just like plants, relationships need care and attention. Neglect it and it may just wither away.
Laugh together: A little humor goes a long way in lightening the mood and helps get through tough times.
Let the small stuff go: Sometimes, you just need to drop a few minor issues and save your energy for the bigger ones.
Small gestures matter: It is the little things that count. Not everything needs to be a grand gesture. A simple hug or note can brighten anyone’s day.
Make amends: If you make a mistake (and you will, we all do), own it and apologize. Being genuine is key to repairing any hurt.
Quality time: Life gets busy. Carve out time just for the two of you, away from life’s craziness. Reconnect and remember the things that brought you together.
Listen: Sometimes, your partner just needs to vent. Avoid jumping right to problem solving. Listen first; solutions can come later.
Keep these insights in mind as you gear up for Valentine’s Day. Remember, it is all about cultivating that connection every day of the year, beyond the cards and flowers.
In fact, these tips and advice will carry you through most of your relationships — romantic or otherwise. Happy Valentine’s Day!